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Now, in the midst of the worst recession in 400 years or something Slopers are finding some glimmer of hope to grasp onto.  The Bagel Hole has arrived to save the upper middle class and their two and half children from mediocre bagels.

Effed in Park Slope has some more details, I’m way too beside myself to manage writing about what is surely soon-to-be the most overhyped mediocre bagel spot in Park Slope.

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Still that’s only the beginning of the downside of gentrification. After gentrification there’s the idea, whether real or perceived, that the neighborhood is safer now. The problem with that idea is that it brings in lots more homeless people who just sit around begging and taking dumps on the sidewalk while the entitled rich folks say hi or even stop to chat with them. I guess they think they’re doing their good deed for the day or justifying their white bread lifestyles.

I’ve lived in bad neighborhoods before and you don’t really see that many homeless people hanging around. One, because nobody in the bad neighborhood is giving up any money to them and two, certain elements in said bad neighborhood would just as soon kick somebody’s teeth in as watch them take a crap on the sidewalk.

Now the other scourge making its way through the Slope is a mostly seasonal one, although I have seen this phenomenon even in the dead of winter. The young, so-called idealists on every fucking block asking me if I “care about the environment” or if I “have a minute for gay rights”.

Listen up you fucking assholes. Standing on the sidewalk and collecting money for whatever cause you think you’re saving is just annoying. We all know you get 50% of whatever money you raise and the other 45% goes to pay the assholes that convince that it’s actually a good idea to go stand on the street and panhandle whatever money you can jive off of people walking by, and then maybe 5% goes to the actual cause. Either way, fuck off.

Other than that it’s a pretty nice day out and if you have the chance, maybe you should try to cut out of work early and get to a park and chill the fuck out. Just be wary of the pooping homeless people and the naive beggars dotting your path.

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The stroller mafia has managed to completely infiltrate Park Slope and make it their own. These women aren’t toting around your average, everyday strollers, hell no!  They’re sporting the top of the line in stroller power, they have two,three and sometimes four seater strollers waiting to mow you down on the sidewalk for so much as unintentional glance in their direction.

I’ve heard stories of the mafia actually forming roving gangs of 9, 10 or sometimes more, and completely taking over restaurants, bookstores not to mention the poor boutiques.  There’s a Park Slope legend that is only spoken about in hushed whispers.  Supposedly a bartender at one of the restaurants taken over by the lactating capos was hit pretty hard and has never been quite the same.  Rumor has it he spends his days rocking back and forth and muttering “please, no more mimosa’s, no more crayons”.

Wreckless, savage, entitled, when the SM rolls in they leave a breast feeding, baby screaming, food throwing, mother hitting trail of destruction.  This is fair warning to all, if you dare brave the Slope, beware.  The stroller mafia is everywhere.

The SM lives by strict code of conduct that cannot be broken.  Rule number one, there is only one rule, and that’s to never, ever discipline your kids.  Ever!  Rumor has it a woman once politely asked her kid to “please sit down”.  No one ever saw her again.  Some say she went into hiding…others, well I don’t really want to get into what the others say happened.

Sure, there are still nice, decent things about Park Slope.  Are they harder to find now with the lawless band of stroller dons around?  Maybe.  Will the SM be able to maintain its iron grip of power forever?  Who knows.  One thing is certain though, at least for now, there’s only one law in this neighborhood and that’s the law of the stroller mafia.

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